Indecisive at it's Worst

It's 11:45, and I'm exhausted but I can't fall asleep.  Tonight I told my mom that I started an application to be certified to teach in California.  Ever since I was little I have wanted to move to California.  I thought the perfect time to go would be during college, but my mom had a rule that we were not allowed to apply to school super far away (we can all thank my uncle for that).  So instead I went to Rhode Island and had an amazing time.  But 6 years later and I still want to move out there.  I thought maybe I would move out there for only a few years.  Meet new people, live a different lifestyle, go back to school for another masters (or two).  I'm ready for something new and different.  While discussing my mom brought up some good points that I hadn't thought about.  She reminded me that I need health insurance if I can't find a job.  I can always get my own, but it's a lot of money.  She also said that I should try to live on my own somewhere near home, before moving 3,000 miles away and live alone, not knowing many people.

Now that I'm lying in bed, thinking about everything, I can't help but think maybe I should put it off for a year.  I originally told myself that I would move to a different state (somewhere warm all year around) by August 2013.  Then all of a sudden I decided I wanted to move earlier, like August 2012.  A lot of my friends are in serious relationships, engaged and married.  I feel as if everyone's life is evolving and mine is not.  Which I have no problem with, because I don't want any of those responsibilities, and I like being selfish and only thinking about myself and no one else.  But it makes it harder to make plans with friends.  Why should I stay around here when everyone else has such busy lives?  

Now comes the indecisive part.  I also really want to move into New York City (at least for a few years).  I have my life set up in New York City.  I have my sports, friends from all periods of my life, now trapeze and silk ropes.  It's my home more than New Jersey.  Ask any one of my college friends, and they will tell you that I had such Jersey pride during school.  Now that Jersey pride has disappeared.  I don't belong here.  I love going to the malls, but I love going to the actual stores in NYC better.  I hate having a car and having to drive everywhere.  I would love to be able to walk to any destination during the summer, and hop onto a subway during the winter.  I keep thinking about the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie goes out on a date with NYC.  That's how I feel every time I'm in the city.  So many possibilities, and so many things excite me there.  I know that's where I really belong.

I'm not afraid of a big move or not knowing people.  What I am afraid of is falling in love with where ever I move to, and never wanting to leave that place.  I have my whole life ahead of me, and I want to explore the world.  Live in different cities, different states, different countries.  I'm terrified that if I move to San Diego or NYC I'm going to fall in love (with the city) and not ever leave.

The last option is to keep living at home, and saving my money to travel.  This option I have considered almost daily.  I just finished planning a trip to Costa Rica, and I had such a high while planning.  I could see myself planning trips like this four or five times a year.  It gets expensive, and I def. don't make enough money teaching.  Living at home would save me a lot of money (as long as I cut down on the shopping ).  I don't have to worry about buying things for my place like paper towels, or cable or heat, or whatever people pay for.  But I am always in NY.  It doesn't make sense for me to live at home and drive into Bronx five days a week, and then go into the city 4 or 5 days a week.  I spend so much money on tolls, and trains, and buses.  

Being indecisive is the worst possible thing ever.