A few weeks ago I was sitting at dinner with my friend and her sister. We were at a pizza restaurant and two tables over from us was a table full with a 10-year-old boys soccer team. Needless to say, it was a little difficult to have a conversation without screaming across the table. However, we did manage to talk about the friendships we have, and how hard it is to make friends outside of college.
During high school, I never had many friends. There were the regular girls that I would sit with during lunchtime, but they never seemed to invite me to do things on the weekend. My school was also pretty small, and I knew everyone in my grade, and most of the students in the grades above and below me. During my classes I would talk to different people, but we never spoke outside of school. I did have one best friend from my high school, and we hung out a lot until she became an EMT. Once she joined the EMT squad, she made friends with those people and began hanging out with them. She would go to parties on the weekends, and do things after school. That was fine, but she never invited me to hang out with them. This ticked me off because I felt like I always tried to introduce my friends to other friends of mine.
Besides my one friend from my high school, I had other friends in different towns. One girl that I went to preschool with was my red-headed best friend all through out high school. I probably would not have gotten through those four years without her. She is loud, obnoxious, and everything I am not. I loved it. She would introduce me to her friends from her school, told me all about her friends and relationships, and of course we went on crazy adventures together, and acted like five year olds. To this day I still think of her more as a sister than a best friend (we fought like sisters too). Besides this wonderful red-head, I had a few other friends that I would hang out with on weekends. I am still good friends with these girls, and see them almost every week.
In college, I found it a little difficult to start making friends. There were a lot of people from Rhode Island who had their friends at school with them. This made me go through rush, desperate to find people not from Rhode Island, or people from Rhode Island who were willing to give up their high school friends for other people. Little did I know, I would be meeting some of my very best friends. I honestly don't remember how we all became friends, but I can honestly tell you that we are best friends, and distance does not stop us from seeing each other at least once a month.
After leaving URI, I wasn't really sure how to meet people and make new friends. I started at Montclair right away, during the summer of 2009, and was so nervous. I was not sure what to expect of it. I went into the class hoping to make new friends right away. I remember leaving after the first night a little upset that I didn't have anyone to walk back to my car with. However, as we spent those 6 weeks together, I made a few amazing friends. I don't see them much outside of school, but it's great having someone in my classes that I can complain to, or work with, or just ask questions. I obviously underestimated the power of meeting people in graduate school.
Last year I was in a total of nine classes (including fall and spring). I would make friends in class, and sometimes we became Facebook friends, or would text each other, but we never made plans to meet outside of class. Then there was one girl who was in two of my classes. Not going to lie, it took me a while to realize it was the same person, but I'm glad I started talking to her. We found out that we live about 10 minutes from each other, and we decided to start car pooling to school. Our friendship continued to grow as we studied for an exam together, and complained about one of our final projects. We eventually bonded over the show Weeds, and watched three seasons together in a matter of days. Her and I also do things. We went to the Bronx Zoo, and apple and peach picking, kite flying and garage sale hunting. I am excited to see what the rest of fall and winter will bring us!
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my friends. I feel like I'm always super busy, and I try to make time for everyone, but sometimes it's hard to make an effort when my friends aren't making the same effort back. I have realized that I can split my friends up into different categories.
The Do-er: This friend enjoys doing things besides drinking and going to bars. They enjoy exploring New Jersey and New York. They like to see what events are going on, and then they actually go to them. They also introduce you to their friends and family.
The Informer: These friends will hang out with you at the mall, or at your house, or go out for a lunch or dinner. They occasionally invite you out with their other friends, but mostly they just tell you about their lives. They don't call or text often, only when they have some free time, or are home for a few days or weeks.
The Party-er: The party friend makes plans to go out to bars or just drink with you. Sometimes it is fun to hang out with these people, but it gets old fast. I get tired of having to babysit you when you're drunk every time we go out. I would also like to know about your life, and talk to you about mine. I am friends with you because I find you interesting, not because you know how to drink a lot of liquor.
The Planner: Last and not least, there are the friends who always talk about doing things with you, but then never go through with it. I feel like I try to do different things with friends, and they always seem interested in it up until the last minute. I can always expect a call or text from them the day or night before we're supposed to do something, saying they are actually busy the next day, and can't go out.
Now that I have these four categories in my mind, I always try to think about which one I am with my friends. I always try to be the Do-er. I don't want to wake up one day saying "I wish I had done...". I may be tired from school and work, but sleep is for when I'm snowed into my house. Life is too short to not enjoy myself, and be with my friends. And as for how to make new friends, we came to the conclusion that it is best to meet people through the friends we have. There is a reason our friend is friends with this person, and we should give that person a chance. I have also realized that I've stayed friends with those people who have introduced me to their friends, rather than keeping me away from them.
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